bonds, bounds & barriers

“Conflict is connection. It’s how we figure out who we are, what we want, who our partners are and who they are becoming, and what they want. It’s how we bridge our differences and find our similarities, our points of connection. The problem is, we haven’t been taught how to do it right.” ~ Dr. Julie Gottman 

Conflict is often labeled as a negative in our society, especially within relationships. While it can indeed be uncomfortable and emotionally charged, conflict doesn’t have to create a barrier to connection with your partner. 

According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, navigating disagreements respectfully and constructively can foster resilience and deepen your understanding of each other’s feelings, dreams, desires, and needs.

In Fight Right, the Gottmans identify three distinct conflict styles - Avoiders, Validators, and Volatiles. These styles are shaped by various factors, including how our family of origin handled disagreements and emotions—one of the strongest predictors of how we navigate conflict. 

Additionally, it’s essential to recognize that conflict styles exist on a spectrum. While you may naturally gravitate toward one style, elements of other styles can occasionally influence your conflict dynamics.

Ultimately, how we behave during conflict reveals a great deal about our relationship with meta-emotions - how we feel about our feelings. Meta-emotions shape how we process and express emotions and perceive and respond to others’ emotions. 

They influence whether we embrace or avoid emotional discomfort and can profoundly impact the tone and trajectory of our interactions. 

Maintain a balance of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. This magic ratio highlights the importance of nurturing positivity and connection, even in the midst of a conflict. 

Understanding how conflict arises might seem straightforward, but the real question is - how can you use conflict to strengthen your connection? Surprisingly, meaningful connections can form even during a disagreement. 

Conflict presents numerous opportunities to express that you care and to demonstrate that you’re not opponents but allies working through a challenge together. There are key research-based positive interactions that help build connection during conflict. 

The good news is that there are effective antidotes you can practice to improve your conflict management skills and prevent reaching a state of emotional flooding—where overwhelm and escalation take over. 

Accepting influence at its core is about empathy. Practicing empathy in the midst of conflict is the ability to widen your emotional lens enough to understand how another has arrived at their feelings - you’re trying to put yourself in their shoes. 

Those who can arrive at meaningful compromises - meaning that neither one has to sacrifice all of their wants and needs - will feel more seen and cared for in the relationship. Compromise is about bending, not breaking. 

Repair attempts can take many forms - a direct apology for hurtful words, using playful humor to lighten the mood, or even small gestures that signal a willingness to mend the connection. By initiating repairs, we create a space to turn toward one another, address the issue at hand, and reaffirm the bond. 

The bottom line is that conflict is inevitable. Every relationship will face disagreements over time, and that’s not just normal, it’s healthy. By learning to navigate and even embrace conflict, we can foster meaningful connection and emerge stronger and more united on the other side.